Just Our Thoughts

Due to some recent conflict, I decide to read Proverbs 31. I took a notebook and pen, my Bible and my dictionary. I made some notes and what follows are my thoughts, not so much about the woman spoke about in the chapter, but thoughts about me, my life and my purpose in life.


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Being this woman is not easy. I have been called to be Jason's wife, his helper. I have not been a very good helper lately. He has not been able to trust me in little things (like being willing to take care of our home). I've been mean, spiteful and bitter; resentful, and angry. Not doing him good at all. I've not been willing to do anything but fighting at every turn.

I have been really miserable to live with and he and the kids have done a great job living with me. Helping me with house work and such. Mostly though, staying out of my way. Nothing is good enough for me. I feel like a failure, even in my successes. I resent the way God set up the "chain of command". It frustrates me that Jason and God get to lead this family. I don't feel that they have done a very good job in the past. So why would that all of a sudden change? I want to keep some control of what is going on in my life.

Finally, I have come to realize, again, that God is in control no matter how much I fight against it. He is God. I might as well join Him and follow His will. In the past when I have surrendered and given my focus to Him, things in our life fell into place. Life was a little more smooth.

This fight has been tough. I so very much want to be in control. I so want to make and veto decisions at will. I've been fighting with Jason and with God.

Know what? My heart isn't as heavy today, nor is my load.

When I allow God to lead, or rather surrender my will to God's lead, I feel more in control. When Jason can trust me, he puts me in control of things. I become his helper, his second-in-command. But I'm more than that. I'm his trusted adviser. His friend. I'm the one that keeps things going, and running smoothly, on the home front while he's out fighting fires and doing work for others. When I turn my life - including this issue of control - over to God, I am more trustworthy. When I give God my life, He gives it back to me and I thrive and so does my husband and family.

And yet, knowing all of this, there is something inside that does not want to let go. This release of control, back to where it belongs, is not a one time decision. This is a daily decision. Sometimes it is a moment by moment decision.

As of this moment, I am deciding to give God control. I am trusting that God will do (continue to do) a good work in my man and teach him and direct him to lead our family on God's path. I am giving up my control. It is God's. And it is Jason's.

And as of this moment, I struggle. I want it back.

But.

It is God's.


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And with this release, comes a change to my closing signature. Until tonight it read:

Learning to live my life with purpose

Now I want to strive to learn and live God's purposes.


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Striving to learn and live God's purposes,

P. S. This post isn't about losing my voice or my vote. It's not about being a doormat. It's not about anything but what it is about. It is about this woman's struggle with God and His Word. It is about this woman coming to terms with who God created her to be. First and foremost I am His child, and He calls me to give my life, my will, to Him. That is what this post is about.