I remember being newly married, pregnant, moving to a new community, far from family. I guess those years were hard now that I look back.
My train of thought was started by a Criminal Intent we started watching but quickly changed. The story appeared to be one of a mother in the very very depths of post-pardum psychosis. She's sitting in the bathtub, shaking. The two boys, one with a burn on his arm, are in the kitchen, trying to care for themselves and keep the water dripping from the ceiling (falling out of the bathtub upstairs) in buckets. The mother called to the older boy who cautiously went to her. And we changed the channel. I don't need to watch other mom's hurting their babies.
I have never hurt my kids, but I remember a time, after CJ was born, that I saw visions / images / ?? of myself throwing a child against the wall. CJ and K are 51 weeks apart. J was working 6 PM to 6 AM and sleeping during the day. I had no IRL friends in the community that I felt comfortable enough with, despite being in the community a year. I know some of my friends there now would be sad to hear that I felt that way, but that's the fact of the matter, at that time.
It was a crazy, scary time for me. Just the thought of what I would be / could be capable of was enough to scary me into action. I thought I was insane. I guess I felt crazy. I did get help in the moment - called J at work and talked to him as long as he could; got settled down - both me and the babies.
It was a crazy time for J too. I wasn't doing any housework; he would come home from his job(s) and have to make meals and do laundry so he had clothes to wear. We were even using cloth diapers. I was nursing both babies. I remember trying to do "school" with my one year old. I remember lots of Baby Einstein because it was the only way K would fall asleep on her own. We didn't have internet and only "peasant view" for tv. I do not know what I did with my time. Those years are very fuzzy.
Now I think, what was I thinking? About any of it. I guess I wasn't. It was hormones and depression. Years of experience, education and I don't know what has made me so much more aware of myself and my body. I know better what makes me tick. I've had a few more children now too. I've learned that I need to take more time to heal after a birth. I've learned that I pass out every time. I've learned that I struggle with ppd, before the baby even gets here.
Striving to learn and live God's purposes,
